Short, Sweet, and to the Point
by hippi
Summary: This is a goofy fic. Hermione visits Viktor out of spite, but when Viktor shows he isn't "clowning around", an unexpected visitor comes to the rescue in a very unlikely way. Chapter 2 on it's way.
1. Default Chapter

A/N This was sort of written as a joke, so don't expect any actual thinking or plot depth. Full of bad puns and lame jokes, it just sort of brings out the essence of r/h-ness, and how with two people that crazy, their way of ending up together will be ANYTHING but the usual. Does that make sense? I hope not. Anyway, I've only got time for this chapter and maybe one more cuz I'm leaving on the 30th and I have another fic to try and post one more chapter for. Yes, I was an idiot and posted two at once. This happens often, the idiot thing. I'll be back around August first. Ok, well, love it, hate it, or not care a bit, it's all the same to me, so long as you review. ;) Oh, by the way, I wrote this before OOTP came out, so it's sort of AU.  
  
The Beginning   
  
Hermione sighed. It was going to be a very long flight. All she could think about was Ron.  
  
"Like that's anything new," thought Hermione bitterly. For quite some time now she had had Ron on the brain. "Well, it's not MY fault he's mad at me!" She whispered to herself huffily. With a small sigh, she realized how unconvincing she sounded, even to herself. For what seemed like the thousandth time, she ran over the past month's events in her head. Hermione lay her head on the window of the plane as she recalled her first owl from Ron…..  
  
Dear Hermione,  
  
Hi. How's summer? Hope you're not going to that crummy Krum's place for holiday. (A/N and so the puns begin.) He is SUCH a jerk! He doesn't really like you. He's just using you to get to Harry so he can hand him over to Voldemort. It's not like he's actually in love with you, you know? Well, talk to you later!   
  
-Ron  
  
"Well, short and to the point," Hermione reflected, conveniently leaving out the word 'sweet'. The rest of the summer had been much the same, until she was so fed up with Ron that decided to take Victor up on his offer for a week out of spite. She now realized what a horrid decision that had been, and not just because of the bad airline food. She missed Ron terribly, even though he had been such a jerk. "Oh well. What's done is done, and I can't go back now," Hermione said aloud, while several people nearby looked at her as though she had just eaten a canary cream or ton tongue toffee. "Um, oops," she whispered, somehow managing to turn the unique Weasley shade of red. "Might as well take a nap before Victor picks me up at the Bulgarian airport, she contemplated, shuddering slightly.   
  
Two hours later Hermione woke up from a horrible nightmare involving Ron killing Vicky from Loveboat. "Hmm," she thought. "What a strange dream. Wonder how I got that one…" The plane was conveniently landing, so she prepared get off. As she nervously walked off the ramp, she couldn't find Victor anywhere. Out of the blue, a clown grabbed her and tried to shove her rapidly and roughly into a small car. Fortunately, Hermione's luggage wouldn't quite fit, and she had the time to turn around and give the clown a bop in his red rubber nose. Letting out a string of curse words, he stepped into a streetlamp and knocked off his own hat and wig. Hermione gasped as she got a good look at the offending clown.   
  
"SHHH!!!" He whispered loudly, shoving a hand in front of her mouth to keep her from screaming his name in surprise. "I'm in disguise! Isn't it brilliant, Her-my-oh-ninny?" He looked very proud as he massaged his nose.  
  
Hermione could only nod and gasp "Victor! You startled me! I'm SO SO sorry!"  
  
"It's ok, Her-my-own," he choked out after she patted him on the back in a manner she apparently found soothing. "I have to be in disguise so we're not mobbed," he explained in a condescending tone that Hermione found more than slightly irritating. As she glared at him, Victor stared back, with a bit of a gleam in his eye that made Hermione very nervous. She was trying to think of an escape route as he leaned towards her when suddenly a familiar voice piped up from behind her.  
  
"Hi guys!" 


	2. The Reaction

A/N I'm back from vacation! London was great! I found some fruit pastilles, which I think is pronounced pastels, and some treacle tart. I LOVE British candy! The accents were so cool, and in this pub in Ireland, two guys came in who looked just like Rupert Grint and Daniel Radcliffe. The resemblance was absolutely uncanny. Anyway, here's chapter 2 for this, and chapter 6 for BBB will be up within the next day or two. Special thanks to reviewers are at the bottom! Luv y'all.   
  
The Reaction  
  
Hermione whirled around. Viktor sighed exasperatedly under his breath, composing himself, before saying politely, "Hello Ron." Unfortunately for the eardrums of several passers-by, Hermione did not feel obliged to be quite so polite.  
  
"Ron!" she yelled after an earsplitting shriek. "What ARE you doing here? I find it EXTREMELY difficult to believe that your mother, Ginny, and Harry would have let you follow me to Bulgaria to ruin mine and Viktor's holiday. I know that you have some issues to sort out with your therapist about Viktor, but honestly, you really ought to at least PRETEND to be a bit more mature. What were you thinking? That coming here and bursting in on our conversation would help resolve your inferiority complex? Well, I have news for you. It won't!" Hermione managed to get this out very quickly and, as far as anyone could tell, in one breath. The reason she had gotten herself so worked up was because she had been angry at Ron all summer and, secretly, was quite grateful to Ron, as if he hadn't burst in, she might have been forced to let Viktor kiss her. She masked this, though, by giving a Molly Weasley worthy rant that turned her face slightly blue and very red at the same time. Ron, however, seemed completely unfazed, as was his nature when it suited him.   
  
"Does this mean we won't be doing lunch then? Because I talked to this native bloke at the Bulgarian Floo Network's arrival room, and he recommended a great restaurant that I think translates into "Igor's House of Meat." Or maybe it was "Peter's Smelly Feet." Personally, I hope it's the former rather than the latter!" At this, Ron gave a large, bellowing, fake laugh, and looked at Hermione innocently.  
  
"Listen, Ron. I know you think you can come in and act cute and think everything is ok, but you're sorely mistak-"  
  
"Lunch sounds good, Ron. And I vill show you a much better restaurant," Viktor said with some difficulty, smiling at Hermione in what he hoped was a charming manner. Brushing off a sour look from Ron, Viktor took Hermione's arm and led her into the car.  
  
Once in the car, Ron attempted to strike up a conversation with Hermione. "This is so cool. I mean, what a coincidence! I always loved Bulgaria. They're totally famous for their, erm, stuff, you know? I mean, I DID talk to your parents, such nice people, but even though I reckon I must've heard them mention Bulgaria, I never dreamed we would be here at the same time!" Hermione just rolled her eyes and blushed. Ron could be deeply embarrassing sometimes. Thinking back to last year when Ron had harassed Cho about the Tornadoes, she blushed an even deeper shade of red.   
  
"Oh well, it's one of the things I love about him," she thought. "Whoa… Hermione. You did NOT just think that. Okay, well, you did, but you didn't mean it… right?"   
  
"You most definitely did, Hermione dearest. Face it, you can't keep your mind off the bloke. Even when you've got an international quidditch star practically fawning over you!" came the annoying voice in the back of her mind.   
  
"Hey! Viktor is not "fawning" over me, and he is a lovely person! Really! It's just…"  
  
"Hermione! Are you awake? Hello?" Ron's deep voice bellowed in her ear.  
  
"Oops, sorry guys. Jetlag must be catching up with me," she giggled slightly. Ron's face so close to her own had been rather disconcerting.   
  
"Anyway, Viktor here," Ron said the name with difficulty, "was just informing me that you are staying for a week in his house! It's amazing, I'm here for a week too! Unfortunately, I have no place to stay…" At this, Ron looked at Viktor as if to say "That's your cue, invite me over!"  
  
"Vell, sorry Ron, but I only have vun guest room in my house," Viktor said, sounding apologetic but looking thrilled.   
  
An hour later, Ron was carrying his suitcase up a flight of stairs into the guest room. Getting out a sleeping bag and laying it on the floor near Hermione's bed he commented "Lucky I thought to bring this sleeping bag for emergencies, eh?"  
  
Ok, thanks to my three reviewers   
  
'Mione Weasley Thanks for reviewing! I always forget to spell Viktor correctly. Thanks for being positive, I can't remember if you were there when this joke began… Talk to you later!   
  
Knobby Skimbleshanks Thanks for the nice review, and your fic was great! Anyone who might be reading this needs to go read your fics!   
  
Natalie Potter731 I'm going to try to make this a quick fic cuz it's kind of goofy. In fact, I'd like to get it done before school starts. Thanks for the review! 


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